Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: What yas think?


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 1086
Date:
What yas think?


I'm working on a story just now folks and before I went any further with it could yas tell me whats yas think. This is jst chapter one I'm currently about half way through chapter 2.

Mortality

 

In deep darkness he sat eyes closed, knees rolled up to his chest he took in deep breaths rocking steadily back and forth. He dared not panic he had been here before and he had panicked the fear of the darkness and what might be lurking in it over taking him, forcing him to use his gifts and the answers fled.

Why am I here? What do I have to see? These questioned plagued the young fire charmers mind and after years of torture, tonight, tonight he had the steel determination to face the night terrors after all what else does he have to loose? Except his life. The thought of dying here filled the young man with terror and he stood up and started pacing kicking up the sand beneath his feet.

It is a dream, it is a dream, and I cannot die here, he reassured himself, The dream charmer always said one cannot die in a dream,

Do you wish to test that theory Tylore? Tylore jumped as the familiar sinister voice cut through the darkness; instinctively he clasped his hands and began rubbing them together generating the heat to awaken his fire.

Dont! A voice roared in his head causing Tylore to pull his hands apart snapping him back into focus. Taking a deep breath Tylore gathered his nerves and faced the darkness too many times now hes failed to question the voice which has taunted him for the last five years.

Well, well, the voice came again echoing around Tylore. Why not light this darkness?

I know where I am voice, a pit with walls which stretch to the sky, Tylores voice carried through the darkness with betraying confidence.

Things may have changed, This time the voice whispered in Tylores ear.

I will not use my fire for then I will not get the answers I seek,

Answers? You dream boy dreams hold no answers, they are but your imagination, perhaps a reflection of your sub-conscious.

I dont dream like others voice, five years ago I was touched by the last seer and this dream has persisted since,

Then what answers do you seek?

Who are you? What does this dream mean?

I am a figment of youre imagination, Anger began to boil in Tylore gut a wild fire forming it roared up his throat, dreams mean no-.

ANSWER ME! The words roared out of Tylores mouth echoing around the pit followed by an all mighty roar of a lion, the ground began to shake the sand shifting beneath Tylores feet. From behind him Tylore heard a rumble, turning round he saw thin strips of light appear in a section of the walls, steadily more and more formed bathing the pit in a bright sunlight, then the section crumbled into a pile of rocks allowing the brilliance of the sun to flood in.

Tylore stood in awe as standing on the pile of rocks a great golden lion armed with a mane of fire stood majestic the sun at its back. Tearing his eyes from the lion Tylore looked beyond into an endless field of green. Instinctively he walked to the gap as a fresh breeze swept through him it was cold but fresh clearing Tylores lungs it carried scents he had never smelt before so many things to learn so many un-answered questions and this great plain held them all, yet something in the wind caused Tylore to stop in his tracks the smell of death filling him with dread.

This pit is your fate Tylore, the voice whispered in his ear. You can not escape the shackles of fate boy you are naļve to think other wise,

I want to try, Tylore replied. I want to live forever. Tylore began to walk again but was held back as something tugged on his leg, looking down a cold metal shackle formed around his ankle.

Death comes to all mortals you can not change that, this pit is all you know to walk into the beyond is foolish, but either way it will all end the same.

Tylore turned his gaze back to the lion; the voices words hit him hard with the harshness of reality and doubt began to form. The lion met his gaze with its fierce yellow eyes then it turned jumping from the rocks and running with grace through the plains leaving behind a trail of fire.

 



__________________



Nuisance

Status: Offline
Posts: 1593
Date:

I like! Do tell more :)

__________________
NewSIGI.jpg


RP Expert

Status: Offline
Posts: 1565
Date:

Is that the intro to your Dragon Age 2 story? smile



__________________

Captain Thule: We have yet to meet our betters, alien. All we have seen are deluded tyrants, heretics and alien scum.
Farseer Taldeer: You should have looked beyond your mirror then.



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 1086
Date:

@ Fenix. Nope it is an entirely original story I'm working on.

@ As. Thanks. Yeh if you want I can post what i've written so far any input u guys can provide would be greatly appricaited.

Here is chapter 2.

Chapter 2

 

Tylore awoke to the sound of laughter echoing through the window of his small home. Irritation grew as the sound grew louder and louder accompanied by the strum of a guitar and the whistle of flutes. An all mighty cheer erupted as Melinda the Flower Charming began singing with her seductive voice.

Dragging himself out of bed Tylore approached his bedroom window the cold stone beneath his bare feet sending a chill through his body. Pulling back the moon light soaked curtains Tylore had to shield his eyes as the bright lunar rays flooded the room lighting it up with a blue glow.

Tylore leaned on the windowsill enjoying the cool desert night air, trying to block out the sound of the annual festival. Another year had past and it was a time for Tylores people all across the vast, barren Anorkathian desert to feast and drink, remembering those lost in the previous year, and welcoming in the New Year. Every year Tylore would enjoy the festival but this year was different for this year among those being remembered were his parents. Two months ago Tylore lost his name of Tylore Junior to simply Tylore, as Tylore senior succumbed to the curse of his people a curse all would fall victim to on the morning of their thirty fifth birthday where no matter ones health they would die. It was only three weeks after that Tylores mother Cassandra also fell victim to the curse, and Tylore had no wish to mourn them again.

Thinking back tears filled Tylores eyes as he remembered the night before there deaths, the tearful goodbyes the smell of his mothers hair during that last hug the anxiety, the fear, the tears, yet through it all Tylores parents smiled as they looked upon there son with pride, he was tall, strong, dark eyed with his fathers dark spiked hair and they faced death without regret and with bravery, bravery Tylore feared he lacked.

Tylore wiped the tears from his eyes and sought to distract himself looking round the small village of the western tribe. The village consisted of a mere eleven white stone houses surrounded by the desert sand the population no more than thirty people, no other race in Anorkath could make a home in the harsh Anorkathian desert but Tylores people known by all other nations as the desert tribes where different, for each was born with a gift, some could charm the grass to grow where it shouldnt, other communicate with animals some could draw water from there surroundings or form bricks out of sand and some like Tylore possess more destructive abilities like his ability to manipulate and even generate fire. No one in any of the villages knows why they are the only ones to have this gift or there curse but it is a closely guarded secret from the rest of the world.

Melindas voice grew louder as the cheers erupted again giving into temptation Tylore leaned out his window towards the centre of the village, a large wooden table lit up by the orange glow of the bonfire had been lade out overflowed by the leftovers of the feast, bowls of fruit and vegetables of all colours lay half empty and tipped along the polished wood table alongside the empty bowls where the sweet pastries and fruit sponge were picked clean, behind the table hanging above a dyeing fire the remains of honey basted great boar hanged lonely on the spit, the men cheered once again as Task the Earth charmer rolled out another keg of mead. Tylores stomach tightened at the thought of the sweet fruit and freshly cooked meat having not eaten the day before choosing instead to stay at home and not participate in the preparations.

Turning his attention to the group gathered round Melinda he relaxed taking in the view of the beautiful Flower Charmer, her long wavy blonde hair the fullness of her figure around her flowers pushed their heads out of the sand equally as charmed by her looks and voice as the men of the village thus the power of a flower charmer. Tylore found himself wondering how old was she now? Thirty Three perhaps yet her flawless skin, yellow hair and the vitality in her voice betrayed the fact she was in the last two years of her short life. Tylore found himself studying the villagers working out there age, Task he concluded was the oldest perhaps only having another two months left to live, did he realise that this would be his last festival it didnt seem like it as he greedily refilled his tankard laughing with the other villagers, just like a flower charmer possessed the beauty of a flower Task an earth charmer possessed the traits of the earth, he was tall, broad, sturdy like a mountain like he could meet a great boar in a head on charge and come out on top.

The frustration began to grow in Tylore, how? How could they all be so care free when knowing the shadow of death loomed over each of them, did they not share the same fear as him? Did they not share the same anger at the curse they possess? What use were these gifts when one could not live to fully enjoy them? How could they be happy confined to this barren desert when beyond a whole world was out there which would surely hold the answers? The village, the people made Tylore feel trapped in a steel cage like a bird desperate to spread its wings and ride the waves of the wind. Tylore had seen the traders which often visited his people some nearly twice the age he could ever live, hair turning grey, there skin turning leathery yet they complained of getting old. Tylore had to grit his teeth and hold his tongue every time he heard one say Im getting too old for this. Did they not realise how lucky they were to live to get old? They complained of the wrongs of the outside world did they not know how fortunate they were? Tylore hated them, he hated there arrogance and he hated his own people for accepting their own cruel fate.

 

Death comes to all things. Tylore heard those words every time he expressed his fears and questioned his fate. The thought of death terrified him, to sleep a dreamless sleep without waking, the fear and anticipation struck him like a dagger to the gut he would toss and turn at night unable to sleep, there had to be a way he thought to himself, Tylore refused to accept it, he knew somewhere out in that world there must be away and this village only held him back he knew when the sear touched him five years ago the way she looked at him staring past his body into his soul the way she ran her hand down his face in awe terrifying the twelve year old boy. Tylores father said she was mad a trait all sears must suffer from, the power to see prophecies yet the vision would drive them into insanity sears would always walk around the villages mumbling, head shaved clear of hair and void of clothes many would walk out into the desert and disappear there bodies often picked up by the traders or hunters, that sear was the last one and none had been born since.

Tylore found his distaste for his people growing and slammed the wooden shutter of the window designed to block out sandstorms, it muffled the sound a fraction which only proved to irritate Tylore more, angrily he storm out his room into his lounge, the shutters closed the room was cast in the shadow of darkness the furniture faint outlines, embers from the fire faintly glowed in the fireplace against the back wall Tylore faced the embers on willed the fire to rise again heeding his call the embers began to glow brighter then in a flash the fire sprang to life spreading its light across the room, here the sound of the festival was faint and Tylore laid back on a chair facing the fire he gazed into the flames the heat and light causing his eyes to water. He concentrated deep into the heart of the fire getting himself lost amongst the colours of the flame the way the flames danced, the way the tortured wood sparked, he inhaled deep taking in the smell of burning wood.

Shutting himself out from the rest of the world Tylore cast his mind back to his dream the lion with the mane of fire standing triumphant on top the fallen rocks, the way it stared at him the fierce yellow eyes pierced his soul, beckoning him to step forward and embrace him, but then the voice came again and fear took hold causing him to freeze, it was then the lion turned and walked away from him and Tylore felt lost all hope vanished he could never be that strong and brave he knew then that the lion was beyond his reach.

Tylore had never seen a live lion before once when he was young he was out learning to hunt his group came across a dead lion dangerously close to the village, the lions of the desert rarely left the central oasis but occasionally one would venture out and eventually die from heat and lack of substance the desert is famous for. Tylore remembered the lion well, when even in death and starved the king of predators still looked fearsome, its large powerful paws larger than Tylores head armed with dagger like claws, its powerful legs and long lean body etched in muscles and its head even though its eyes were void of life staring blankly into the distance Tylore still could feel the awe inspiring fierce beauty the creature possessed in life. Before that day the only reference of a lion Tylore had was in a story his father enjoyed telling him, before he was born a mighty lion wandered into the village and killed a child, the village hunters joined forces with the hunters of the nearest village Tylores father among them to hunt the lion, however before they could track down the lion an animal charmer a young women found it first and convinced the lion to turn around and go back that charmer was Tylores mother and it was then his parents met. At first there opinions clashed Cassandra pleaded the lions case saying it was lost and near starved it did what it had to too survive and it regretted its killing of the child, Tylores father claimed the lion of being nothing more than a wild animal but none the less a year later Tylore was born.

Snapping back to reality Tylore once again reached into the heart of the fire drawing it out. A small wisp floated out of the fire place and danced around the air, once again Tylore thought of the lion and willed the wisp to shape, the small flame flickered and began to twist, first the head formed then the powerful body and soon the wisp took the shape of a lion, the crimson miniature lion padded along the floor pacing back and forth it did not burn the red and blue rug along the floor for Tylore wished it not to.

Tylore smiled I can reach you little one, he said stretching out to the fiery lion as his hand grew closer he could feel the heat of the fire but knew it would not burn him concentrating he willed the lion into his hand and held it the fire licking harmlessly across his skin. Tylore marvelled at his work to handle a foreign flame and not get burnt was difficult for a fire charmer, and then suddenly the door rattled behind him Tylore jumped breaking his concentration the miniature lion lost its form burning his hand he dropped the flame and it retreated back to the fire, the door rattled again.

Tylore? a voice called out. Tylore signed inspecting his blackened hand and attempted to block the pain. Tylore? I know youre awake, the voice called out again. Just ignore her, Tylore heard himself say yet he couldnt, the lure of the voice was too great for him to resist it filled him with joy and passion blocking out the pain in his hand, and a smile crept on his face.

Tyyyylore? she called out again patients wearing thin. With a surrendering sigh Tylore rose from the chair and released the lock on the door he swung it open. Standing in the door way was a young women the same age as Tylore she wore a blue and white strapless dress with a silver chain necklace, she looked through him with clear sea blue eyes showing her irritation for having to stand at the door for so long, Tylore could not help but smile. How long where you going to have me stand here? she questioned, before Tylore could answer an angry squawk could be heard from above swooping down a great eagle hovered before Tylore staring at him with its keen eyes and squawked angrily at him. Settle down now Avery, the girl said with a slight giggle, Avery turned round to face the girl squawked in recognition and flew off into the night sky.

Sorry Liana, Tylore said running his hand though her long silk like silver hair, Liana blushed and smiled.

You should be, she joked.

Liana joined Tylores village along with her earth charmer brother Raveid two years ago, an animal charmer like Tylores mother she joined to learn from his mother and the two instantly hit it off like his father before him Tylore found himself in captivated by an animal charmer. Liana possessed the same soft silver hair of all animal charmers and the unique ability to communicate with animals, Avery Lianas eagle friend was never far from her side it was un-common for an animal charmer to bond with an animal such. Tylore used to often spend his days when not helping out in the village walking along the edge of the oasis with Liana, she would explain to him that not all animals have voices and follow the charmers orders blindly, but rare ones like Avery have a voice and personality of there own and can choose to answer to a charmer they like. Avery would often fly across the desert to the closest town and tell her what it was like Tylore would enjoy quiet evenings around a fire of his making with Liana, listening to what Avery had to say through her. When Tylores parents died Liana was by his side to comfort him, her presence gave Tylore the will to light the funeral fires for his parents himself.

Liana held out a bowl full of fruit and dried meat with a sweet fruit pastry. Ive brought you some food from the feast,

Thanks but Im no- Tylore was interrupted by a loud rumble as his stomach lusted for the food before his eyes, Liana smiled and walked past Tylore into his home, Come in, he surrendered, closing the door behind her.

 

Liana walked into the lounge with graceful steps Tylore admiring how her long hair swayed and glowed in the fire light. Awful dark in here, she commented sitting down on the long chair laying the food on the oak table.

I could light a few lamps if you want?

No I like it, its, cosy, Tylore sat himself next to Liana who slid the bowl close him, hungrily Tylore picked up a chunk of dried meat and bit deep into the salted, tough flesh the taste blessed his tongue and his stomach rumbled in anticipation. Why arent you attending the festival? You used to look forward to it all year, Tylore sat in silence chewing the meat, Pitter did a good job on his memorial speech this year,

Thats why I didnt want to go; I wish not to mourn again,

Sitting in your house, secluding yourself from everyone else isnt going to help any, Liana turned to look at Tylore staring deep into him. He sat facing the fire his eyes gazing far beyond the orange glow and Liana felt him drifting further and further away. Whats wrong with you Tylore? she asked her voice projecting concern. Tylore slowly rose to his feet and approached the fire.

Liana he began. Ive been thinking lately, I want to leave the village,

You mean travel to another?

No I want to leave the desert completely, leave all this behind me, but Im too scared, I keep telling myself, this isnt the life I want and to just pack and leave but I cant something holds me back.

Youre holding yourself back because you know this is where you belong, here with your people,

But thats it I dont want to be part of our people, to sit living this secluded life, cursed to die younger than I should, failing to live up to me potential, just waiting, waiting for my day to come, the fact everyone here sits back and excepts this infuriates me! They face death not ever questioning why?! Tylore began to feel a wildfire burning in his stomach the flames of the fire place blazed brighter, then the fire ceased and the flames grew smaller, I dont want to die like everyone else,

So what, you will just leave all that you know and love behind? And waste your short life chasing a fools dream?

What is foolish about it?

Everything dies Tylore, there is no escaping it, from humans to animals, from grass to trees, it is something everything must accept, and who would want to live forever to see everyone you love die around you,

There is only one thing I love Liana, Tylore sighed, I-if I was to go, would you come with me?

No, Tylores heart shattered with that one word.

No? Why? Liana there is a whole world out there it must have answers I seek,

Tylore this is where we belong, our kind dont belong with the rest of the world, Liana said softy approaching the window and opening the shutter, Avery swooped down and landed on the ledge folding his great wings, Liana lent down and whispered to the mighty bird which flew off.

I thought you would be different than the rest, I thought you would understand,

Tylore, I do understand, I just cant agree with it, this idea of yours and the dream you keep telling me about, they will destroy you.

Tylore sighed in defeat, Liana was right, he was a fool and his desperation only showed just how cowardly he truly is he turned his gaze away from the fire and turned to Liana, the orange glow of the fire and the backdrop of moon paled in comparison to her radiance. Liana slowly walked up to him, Would you please forget about all this Tylore, if only for tonight and spend it with me? Tylore fell helplessly into Lianas embrace as she gently pulled him close.



-- Edited by The Underdog on Tuesday 12th of April 2011 01:29:25 PM

__________________



Nuisance

Status: Offline
Posts: 1593
Date:

Speech thingys..." "...would help :P It reads great, minor grammar issues but you read past them. Beats the book i'm reading at the moment! Keep it coming :D

__________________
NewSIGI.jpg


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 1086
Date:

Yeh the speech marks are a pain when i copy and paste things from word to forum the speech marks get removed. Yeh my grammer aint the best will admit that I try to work around it in the time being and hopefully get it all sorted if and when it finally gets completed. If ya want i could e-mail it to ya.

And thank you.



__________________

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.

Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse
Powered by ActiveBoard