I refuse to read that XD

O M G. fenix i hereby ban you for putting THAT up on the site! lol it was well funny the ork chavs were ace lol

Yeah - it's straight from the episode where they go to the Superbowl, isn't it?

Oops, sorry - I forgot I'm supposed to be banned ;)

Oh someones's god your alive?! XD i thought you had dissapeared for good that time XD LOL your missing all the fun in the roleplay squirt :P lol

IT'S A MOOGLE YOU ELDER WEIRDO! XD OMG!!!!!

Someone hold me back i swear i'm gonna kill him XD LOL You know absolutly NOTCHING about final fantasy do ya?! XD

C'mere i'll kick your ass >:3 and you know it XD

Heh heh bitch fight. Put away ur claws bitches, before i start dishing out the slaps lol

lol we are so random XD LOL
And i could totally beat you Fenix, is there any compouter game you have won against me on? :p cause i can't remember :p and this is a computer :P lol therefore i automatically win ;)

XD lol even so though :P besides DoW which i know you will totally kick my ass in you've never beaten me at a computer game XD come to think of it it's not very often that happens XD Wow i live a VERY sad life XD HAHAHAHA

Anyway yay i win and don't sing, ever, please, id like to keep my ears working XD

Thank someones god XD

Skaven - The horned Rat

OMG - and again! Mr Pilgrim must have waaay too much time on his hands as he wrote this in a week! The best way to sum this up is "WTF":

+ + + INCOMING TRANSMISSION (OH GOD-EMPEROR, NOT ANOTHER ONE…) + + +

Subject: The Adventures of Inquisitor Ubidoobiwahminbam, Volume III

Commit to: Pi Publishings Library of Lore

Crossfile to: Anything with “Pie” in the title

Input date: 0834005.M03

Input clearance: Open sez me

Author: Ha! Nice try Daska! (this will make more sense at the end of the story)

Transmitted: Pilgrim’s Pad, Tarland

Transmitter: A dancing banana

Receiver: Astropath Terminus Liabsgnbbobnoergbjs the Unpronouncable

Thought for the Day: Thou shalt not moon the Tau. They are good shots.

Inquisitor Ubidoobiwahminbam roared like a T-Rex having an orgasm as he picked up the girl with the skull-and-crossbones skirt (what would she be in now? Sixth year? Ugh, I don’t know what’s going on at Kemnay Academy any more…) by the ankle and dangled her upside down so everyone could see the bright red socks she was wearing.

“Is this regulation school uniform?” he shouted, “Is it?!?!?!?!”

The Inquisitor had been having a good day what with winning the lottery thanks to Farseer Farseer knowing the numbers, and had since said goodbye to Farseer, Dude Number One and all those random heretics from Episode II and gone back to Holy Terra to deposit his cheque. He had been passing by the revered learnatorium of Kemnay Academy and thought he’d drop in and say hi, when he had discovered to his pants-wetting horror that the seed of heresy had again grown despite the instatement of a new Rector.

He dropped the heretic and stormed his way towards Doctor Hunter’s office with Gollum prancing around behind him getting high by smoking Terror Drones.

“And you two!” he shouted over his shoulder at another pair of hapless sixth-years, “You’ve been sitting there for more than 5 minutes and NOT ONCE have I heard you praise the Emperor!”

Damn heretic school, he thought to himself, turn your back for one minute…

Doctor Hunter was busy playing with his lead soldiers on his desk.

“Ha! Who’s laughing now?” he cackled as he made a model Space Marine jump up and down on the head of a Necron. Then he heard the angry banging on his door and hastily shoved the models into a drawer.

“Come in,” he said, folding his hands. When he saw that his visitor was a member of the Emperor’s most holy Inquisition and that he must therefore be on his best behaviour, he put on a smile so wide that the Inquisitor wondered if he was gay. However, the Rector then said “Sit down,” which allayed his fears a bit.

“Now what can I do for you?”

“What,” Ubidoobiwahminbam yelled with Gollum glaring over his shoulder, “In the name of the Emperor’s holy socks is going on around here? The uniform situation has gone so to pot that I’m surprised there isn’t cannabis growing in the playing field!”

The Rector had never heard cannabis called pot before, and so lamentably the author’s clever joke was wasted.

“I know,” he said tiredly, “We’ve been having a real problem with Goths around here. I don’t know where they’re all coming from.”
“Goths?” the Inquisitor said, stroking his chin. If Orks in the last episode were Neds, then Goths had to mean that the malignant influence of Chaos was at work within the school and spreading its insidious “Oh life is pointless so lets all dress in black and reject everything the Inquisition tells us” cults. He headed outside to look for clues.

A farmer was resting on a pitchfork nearby so he thought he’d ask him.

“Arrr, me ’andsome.” the farmer said in a strong Cornish accent as he approached, “It be a nice day, it be.”

“Arrr, me ’andsome?” the Inquisitor repeated slowly, “What are you, a pimp or a pirate?”

He was about to ask the farmer if he’d seen anyone of a Chaotic disposition wandering around, when his eye fell upon the animal drawing the farmer’s cart.

“Mutant!” he roared, “Heretic! Why does that cow not have horns?”

“Arrr,” the farmer said sagely, “Well, me ’andsome, some heifers don’t get ’orns til they be three or four years of age. Others don’ get ’orns til they’ve calved. But the reason that particular cow don’t ’ave ’orns is it’s a bloody ’orse!”

“A cow that’s mutated into a horse?” the Inquisitor growled, “Heresy…”

He turned and began walking away.

“’Ave a good day, me ’andsome,” the farmer called after him.

“There’s a lot of sick people in this town…” the Inquisitor reflected, under his breath.

He and Gollum carried on, then spotted another girl dressed in black, wearing heavy black eyeliner, and who appeared to have a bobble shaped like an eyeball in her hair (surely you guys all remember Wendy?).

“Ah ha!” he said, and tailed her as she shiftily ducked into an air-vent and crawled down a tunnel into the basement of Kemnay Academy - a place so secret and so evil that it doesn’t actually exist.

“Now then,” the Inquisitor whispered to Gollum as they neared the end of the tunnel and the discordant cacophony of Goth rock could be heard up ahead, “Emperor knows what foul demons are holed up in there. So I’m sending you in first.”

“Noooo!” wailed Gollum as the Inquisitor booted him forward.

“Just have a look, come back and tell me what you see.” he ordered.

So Gollum crept up the tunnel after the Gothy girl and watched as she jumped down into the large basement. To his surprise the twenty or so Goth heretics who had congregated here were just lounging around on comfy chairs, sipping cups of tea and comparing their skull-engraved jewellery. But the king of bling in this room was definitely the tall Goth standing in the centre of the room - his hair gelled up into 6-inch spikes, claw-like metal finger-jackets and an array of cult-symbol bracelets on his hands, as well as about a dozen chains and necklaces round his neck, piercings in literally everything that dangled (this author refuses to speculate about his most private part) and topped off with a floor-length black overcoat. It would be unfair to say that all Goths are goat-sacrificing Satanists, but this guy definitely looked like one.

Some explanation is probably required at this point. The Goth leader is in fact the infamous Chaos Lord Ilikadoo Dachachaslide - a troublemaker of renown and a criminal mastermind so cunning that he had even, on occasion, broken the Law of Gravity (thanks Chad for that kick-ass joke). As a Chaos lord he was also, it hardly needs mentioning, a homicidal megalomaniac.

A shifty-eyed Sorcerer (whose name, by the way, was Mr Pootytang) with chalk-white foundation on his face, black lipstick on his mouth, and a pair of pink bunny-slippers on his feet, sidled up to the Chaos Lord.

“Excuse me, your ineffableness?” he asked shiftily.

“What is it, Pootytang?” Ilikadoo Dachachaslide growled.

“Can I make the announcement?”

“No.”

“But why not, in the name of a thousand moshing bunny rabbits?” the Sorcerer demanded, “Why not!? Your flared-nostrilness.” he added, remembering just in time to show respect to the Chaos Lord.

“Because, Pootytang, you are a devious little **** and I don’t trust you.” Dachachaslide replied, glancing at the pink slippers, about as appropriate for a Goth as a kazoo playing in the background at a war requiem, that the Sorcerer was wearing.

And with that, he drew himself up and shouted at his cultists:

“Down with school!”

He received a large cheer in response.

“People of Kemnay!” Dachachaslide roared, “Throw off your chains! Free yourselves from slavery and swell the ranks of those who refuse to accept that minky green travesty of a school uniform they make us wear!”

Gollum was already scurrying back up the tunnel to tell Ubidoobiwahminbam.

“Well?” the Inquisitor asked.

“It‘s Goths alright, Master,” Gollum replied, “And their leader’s making a speech. It was something about throwing up champagne, and freeing the slave to quell the pranks of…something about school uniform…”

“Heresy…” the Inquisitor growled, and pounded up the tunnel to confront Lord Ilikadoo Dachachaslide.

“More tea, your exquisitely-dignified unstableness?” Pootytang was asking as Ubidoobiwahminbam burst into the room. The Chaos Lord was understandably annoyed.

He put on his angry face (which not one of his followers was brave enough to tell him merely made him look constipated) and strode towards the Inquisitor.

“What in the Warp are you doing in my secret lair of La Roche Derrien?” he growled.

“Nobody expects the Inquisition,” Ubidoobiwahminbam said smugly, quoting from the revered tome Life of Brian by Inquisitor Montgomery Python, “La Roche Derrien?” he added, “That’s an odd name for a Chaos stronghold isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” the Chaos Lord admitted, “I named it after some random town in northern France.”

“What does it mean?”

“Couldn’t tell you, I don’t speak French. Derrien is close to derriere, though, which means arse - so the Rock of the Arse is my best translation.”

“Riiiight…” the Inquisitor said slowly, drawing out the “i”.

“Wait a minute,” the Chaos Lord said, “There’s too much banter here and not enough maiming, killing and burning. Die!”

And with that the girl with the eyeball in her hair stepped forward waving a pair of spiky swords, showing off by spinning them expertly in her hands and throwing and catching them.

“Oi! Nutter!” the Chaos Lord roared as she got a bit carried away and nearly took his head off with a wild swipe. The champion came to her senses and stood with both swords crossed in front of her, staring expressionlessly at the Inquisitor. The Inquisitor did the eyebrow thing, and unimpressed, raised his bolt pistol.

The shot sparked off the champion and bounced around the room, finally knocking Gollum arse over tit with a loud “Nooooo!”

Ubidoobiwahminbam did a war-dance of impotent rage - stupid Chaos Codex! Every Chaos army he’d ever been called out to fight seemed to make heavy use of the Daemonic Aura upgrade.

“By the Emperor’s balls!” he roared, “Is it too much to ask just for once to meet an enemy that doesn‘t have an invulnerable save!?”

And with that he flew into a rage, bashed the champion to the floor and started jumping up and down on her until she was quite flat.

“That sword cost five thousand pounds you creep!” the champion shrieked as she picked up the broken hilt of the spiky sword the Inquisitor had stepped on and shattered, and with that she stormed off. Honestly, they’re not very good Chaos marines are they? Real Goths wouldn’t throw a tantrum like that…

“Well, I think I’m going to have to call this whole thing off, then.” Sorcerer Pootytang said as the vanquished champion left the room and banged the door behind her.

“Off?” the Chaos Lord asked him icily.

“As in sod,” Pootytang replied, “You’re on your own, your Unfathomableness - bye!”

And with that he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

“Treacherous bastard…” the Chaos Lord muttered as the rest of his Goth followers took the Sorcerer’s cue and buggered off.

“Ha!” cried Ubidoobiwahminbam, “Now it’s just you and me, heretic!”

“I think not!” the Chaos Lord proclaimed, and at that point he chose to break the Law of Gravity.

“Ha ha ha ha!” Ilikadoo Dachachaslide laughed as he flew off through the window, leaving Ubidoobiwahminbam speechless with rage, “I’ll be back, Inquisitor! In the sequel! See you in hell!”

“There won’t be a sequel if I have anything to do with it…” Inquisitor Daska muttered from his vantage point above the action.

Oh, and though the Chaos Lord escaped and we probably are going to have to deal with another sequel, our readers need not fear as Dachachaslide did not get off completely scot-free. Half way to France, Gravity glanced sharply in his direction and demanded to know what the hell he thought he was doing, resulting in him falling out of the air and straight into someone’s dustbin and so honour, in a way, was satisfied, and our heroic Inquisitor could go home for tea and medals.

Meanwhile, back in the basement, it was probably not surprising that at this point the baleful influence of Chaos caused Gollum to start having an argument with his evil alter-ego.

“Gollum!” coughed the alter-ego, “We must kill master, my precious!”

“Noooo!” Gollum wailed at a pitch high enough to shatter the glass in the windows, “Mustn’t kill master!”

“Yes! Kill master! We hates him!”

“Noooo! Master’s our friend!”

“We hates the Inquisitors, gollum!”

“Noooo!” Gollum wailed again, rocking back and forward with his hands over his ears, “Not this Inquisitor!”

“Yes! Every Inquisitor!”

“Noooo! Go away you scuzzy bastard!”

“Never!” the alter-ego shrieked, giving an evil cackle which turned into a coughing gollum!

“Yes! Leave now! And NEVER COME BACK!”

“Nyaaaaargh!” yelled the alter-ego.

“Fine then, I will!” Gollum cried, and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him and leaving his alter-ego alone looking silly in the basement.

“What the f…” Daska shouted in disbelief as he watched the complete nonsense of the story‘s final scene, “This time I really am going to kill that heretic author!”

He stomped off to page 1 to see who had written this story, but yours truly was of course way ahead of him, and left him fuming with helpless rage. He contented himself with haranguing the girl with red socks instead.

+ + + TRANSMISSION ENDS + + +

Loading bonus features…

Bypassing Inquisitorial firewall…

Accessing blooper reel…

Inquisitor Ubidoobiwahminbam roared like a T-Rex having an orgasm as he picked up the girl with the skull-and-crossbones skirt (what would she be in now? Sixth year? Ugh, I don’t know what’s going on at Kemnay Academy any more…) by the ankle and dangled her upside down so everyone could see the bright red socks she was wearing.

“Is this regulation school uniform?” he shouted, “Is it?!?!?!?!”

He became slightly over-zealous and accidentally threw her into the cameraman, knocking him flying.

……………..

Inquisitor Ubidoobiwahminbam roared like a T-Rex having an orgasm as he picked up the girl with the skull-and-crossbones skirt (what would she be in now? Sixth year? Ugh, I don’t know what’s going on at Kemnay Academy any more…) by the ankle and dangled her upside down so everyone could see the bright red socks she was wearing.

“Is this regulation school uniform?” he shouted, “Is it?!?!?!?!”

Suddenly there was a ripping sound and the Inquisitor was left holding the skull and crossbones skirt while the girl fell with a heavy thud to the floor.

“Heresy…” the Inquisitor growled, as it appeared that not only was the wearing heretical socks, but her knickers were not Inquisitorially sanctioned either.

……………..

Doctor Hunter was busy playing with his lead soldiers on his desk.

“Ha! Who’s laughing now?” he cackled as he made a model Space Marine jump up and down on the head of a Necron. Then he heard the angry banging on his door.

“Sod off, I‘m busy!” he shouted, and went back to playing. The film crew couldn’t help s****ing.

……………..

And with that the girl with the eyeball in her hair stepped forward waving a pair of spiky swords, showing off by spinning them expertly in her hands and throwing and catching them. One of her random swipes sliced through the sound operator, who collapsed with a swear word.

“Er…oops…” said the girl, bending over the wounded soundman.

……………..

The shot sparked off the champion and bounced around the room, finally knocking Gollum arse over tit with a loud “Nooooo!”

Ubidoobiwahminbam did a war-dance of impotent rage - stupid Chaos Codex! Every Chaos army he’d ever been called out to fight seemed to make heavy use of the Daemonic Aura upgrade.

“By the Emperor’s b…” the Inquisitor began, but then collapsed laughing, “I’m sorry, this script is just too random…and isn’t it heretical to make reference to the Emperor’s most holy balls? Can we change that line?”

……………..

“I think not!” the Chaos Lord proclaimed, and at that point he chose to break the Law of Gravity.

“To infinity and beyond!” Ilikadoo Dachachaslide shouted as he flew off through the window, leaving Ubidoobiwahminbam doubled up laughing.

“I’m sorry, I just had to say it…” the Chaos Lord apologised.

……………..

“Noooo! Go away you scuzzy bastard!”

“Never!” the alter-ego shrieked, giving an evil cackle which turned into a coughing gollum!

“Yes! Leave now! And NEVER…”

Gollum was interrupted by Inquisitor Daska forcing his way onto the set.

“I’m sorry but this is the last straw!” he roared, “You’re all heretics, you hear me? HERETICS!!!!!”

He floored the cameraman with a punch and the screen went black.

A haunt of Goths, heretics and mad rectors apparently XD

Then im afraid i will have to kill you all (takes out gun)......... Im sorry.